Sink or swim. Fight or flight. I guess we’ll have to see.
I have been throwing around the idea of competing again. Competition season is starting with Spring here and Summer approaching so I decided to make a commitment.
Making this commitment terrifies me. My first experience competing in BJJ was not a good one. I know I’ve partially touched on it a few times in previous blog posts and a while ago I wrote about it in more detail Here.
When I competed for the first time, I took gold. But the only way you would have known that is if you were physically there, or follow my gym/ teammates / my mother on social media. I posted one picture with my fellow teammate who took gold in a different weight bracket with no caption. And from what I remember, I made sure that the photo was quickly buried with other posts before anyone could really see. And when I got home, my medal hung up on my vision board for a short time, and then I ‘put it away’ where I couldn’t see it anymore.
I look back, and regret not celebrating my victory. I regret not really feeling proud of myself by how far I had come in that moment. At the time, I was a 2-stripe white belt and had been doing Jiu Jitsu for about a year, and wanted to see what competition would have been like.
Though my experience wasn’t positive, I never deter anyone else away from competing. Because competing is a great marker for testing your skill, and seeing where you measure up against other people your size. My experience was unique and the things that lead after were unique.
My initial goal was to come back to compete after having lost a TON of weight. But life really doesn’t work the way we want it to, does it? Losing weight has been extremely difficult for me the last two years.
Now, almost 3 years later. I’ve been contemplating competing again, I actually have been for the past year or so. I want to re-write my story. I want to inspire other women like me to be comfortable competing. My mind plays all these tricks on me convincing me not to do it. That the same thing will happen like it did before. I want to push through those thoughts, and prove to myself that I can do it again. And that THIS TIME, it will be different, this time will be different because I AM different. I have significantly improved skill wise since then. My opponents will be different, and my support is different.
I am determined to make competing a more positive experience for me.
I want to inspire other women, so that when they hear my story and my triumph over my fears and negative self-talk, that they say
“Because of you, I didn’t give up.”
I’ll be competing in Fargo, ND May 18th and June 29th.
This is my written commitment.
Wish me luck!